Three

I planned to spend all of April 1st at the state park sitting in my eno reading bukowski novels on my kindel. I need to spend more time outside and I want to use my eno and get back into reading for fun and this seemed like a nice way to do all of the them together.

It didn’t go the way I planned. I woke up earlier than I imagined and from the start did not feel fully motivated. I ended up spending the first few hours playing ESO on my xbox, I wanted to take a break and watch a movie but instead I was drawn in by the idea of finally knowing the story of “13 Reasons Why” and holy fuck I had no idea I’d spend the next 13 hours literally doing nothing but watching netflix. I was withdrawn before I started watching and it gave me something of an escape from feeling so depressed and weird.

I enjoyed “13 Reasons Why”, but it almost seemed to glorify suicide or just make it seem like a viable option. The characters own up to themselves for the most part for what they did and how they knew it was wrong. They realized they were flawed human beings, but it still for some reason did not show me how final and painful suicide is for the people in your life. I will say, the suicide scene itself was incredibly real looking and brutal and graphic as fuck. But still for some reason I couldn’t help but think it made suicide seem like a beautiful and righteous reaction to bullying or depression.

The coincidence of it taking me 13 hours to watch the whole thing made me feel strange, and I realize that they probably did this on purpose.

I also felt like in the follow up documentary where writers, actors, and producers talk about the show and meanings. It pained me to hear them say that they hope that “young men and boys” will learn what consent is, almost as if some of us did not already realize from a very young age that both parties need to consent to something as serious as sex. If it helps and educates people that is fine but I just, idk, its just hard to hear something like that and not cringe and feel attacked a bit. I am the last person to defend anything like that, but it just, idk, maybe I need to just think about the bigger picture and think “well if they believe it will or could help then I’ll stand behind them”. Hopefully this is just some sort of immaturity of mine that I will come to be ashamed of in the future if I am still around.

 

It does do my heart good to see how much publicity that mental health and things like suicide have been getting recently. As someone who has been struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts over the past few years (at an accelerated rate within the last year) this gives me hope and well some sort of sense that I can really get help or help others.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening.

 

-Anyone/Anything

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two

 

I forgot I had this. Well after re-reading my first post I am happy to say that after many months of trial and error I think I have found the right medications and combinations of them to help with my depression. My anxiety is still tbd. I am on Cymbalta and Wellbutrin for my depression and Buspirone for my anxiety.

I never thought I had much in common with my dad until now, we are on the exact same medications with roughly the exact same dosages. Weird huh, it took me finding out that we have similar brain chemistry to finally believe that he is my actual father instead of my cousin, who everyone used to say I looked just like.

My dad and I are getting along ok, it’s not like we have fights or anything no. We just are still kind of having to feel one another out. If that makes sense? He is really trying to stay sober and I think this weekend will mark 1 year of sobriety for him which is so fucking awesome I can’t even explain. I’m sure if anyone reads this they don’t really want me to explain it anyway, it’s probably something they can relate to or at very least its not that hard of a concept to understand.

Every now and then I still have some down days, “bad days” I call them. I get depressed and withdraw myself from friends and family. I stop cleaning up after myself, dishes pile up, dirty laundry is everywhere, I just do not have the energy or the discipline to do it, it doesn’t seem worth it.

I don’t even want to go into too much detail about this one but one of the best friends I have ever had and probably will ever have doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. He doesn’t trust me, and I get it mostly, but the severity of it will probably never really be reasoned to me. I’m trying to get over it and its tough we became co-dependent on one another basically for the last 6-8 years. I’ve not spoken to him, other than to text him happy birthday yesterday, in about a week which is a decently long time for me.

If this is just going to be a life lesson for me about speaking up and being 100% truthful all the time then well, it was one hell of a way to teach me that. I’ll manage, I’m not sure how but I think this is just part of growing up.

I can tell my Grandmother is getting sicker and sicker every time I see her. She is getting very weak and can no longer drive herself anywhere. I hate it for her, she is such a lively person who has enjoyed her long life more than I think I ever could. I find myself neglecting her a lot and I feel sick everytime I realize that’s what I am doing but I just don’t want to go visit her once a week, it doesn’t sound appealing to me. Maybe thats selfish and I’ll regret it when she’s gone but for right now I just don’t want to.

I found 2 new bands that I like last night; “The Appleseed Cast” and “Mineral”. they remind me a lot of older brand new or taking back sunday, and even at times “Godspeed You! Black Emperor”.

Hopefully I will convince myself to start writing on here more frequently than once every 8 months but we’ll see.

PS.  I am back in school this semester and though I had to drop one class it is going well. I am in 3 classes right now and so far things are ok school wise.

 

-AnyoneAnything

-Ryan

One

I don’t really know why I want to do this right now. I’ve recently stumbled upon LAHWF and his lahwfextra vlog channel and felt oddly connected.

We hold similar beliefs and seem to have similar trains of thought.This is purely based on the content he posts however so there is no telling how different we may be/probably are in reality.


I went to see a local GP earlier this week for my anxiety and depression. I had never seen this doctor before have anxiety every day of my life and which occasionally leads to my lying or not giving full discretion.

What I mean by that is; I decided to stretch the truth (lie) about when I last thought about suicide.

GP: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?

Me: Yes.

GP: Well when was the last time you had these thoughts?

This was the point where for some reason my anxiety really got the better of me and took over.

Me: I’d say roughly 8 months ago, I never made plans or anything like that though.

Another lie, fantastic there bud, lie to one of the only people in the world whose job it is to try and help you get better.

The visit led to me getting a prescription for Zoloft, the GP said he wanted me to keep trying SSRI’s even though the last one I took (about 4 years ago) didn’t do anything to me. He also suggested a local psychology clinic nearby and called in a referral for me, which I really hope I can get the balls to go up there and actually get further help.


I’ve decided to take the semester off from college despite only needing to complete 2 more semesters to graduate (which I am already taking longer than anticipated to do). I made my decision this past Tuesday when I was struggling to even get out of bed for my 11am class. I spent the whole day in bed. I made my appointment with the GP in bed and for all intents and purposes remained in that bed until it was time for my appointment the next day.

I’m hesitant to fully commit to the break now, even though I am so far behind from missing every day this week minus Monday. I am hesitant because I know my parents will be upset and try to talk me out of it. They want so desperately for one of their kids to have a 4-year degree and somehow all 3 of us have struggled to get to that point.

I need this break despite my constant rants in the past about how if I took a break I feared I would never go back.

I want to go back, and I want to graduate.

I also think I want to live, and to continue this semester would be to ignore my mental health and would quite honestly lead to my death, or at very least more self-harm.

I doubt anyone will read this and if they did and somehow managed to get this far, well I really don’t know why you did it but thanks I guess? I’m going to try to do this on a somewhat regular basis, which shouldn’t be so hard if I’m taking this semester off.


 

Anyone/Anything

2:14am