I don’t really know why I want to do this right now. I’ve recently stumbled upon LAHWF and his lahwfextra vlog channel and felt oddly connected.

We hold similar beliefs and seem to have similar trains of thought.This is purely based on the content he posts however so there is no telling how different we may be/probably are in reality.

I went to see a local GP earlier this week for my anxiety and depression. I had never seen this doctor before have anxiety every day of my life and which occasionally leads to my lying or not giving full discretion.

What I mean by that is; I decided to stretch the truth (lie) about when I last thought about suicide.

GP: Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?

Me: Yes.

GP: Well when was the last time you had these thoughts?

This was the point where for some reason my anxiety really got the better of me and took over.

Me: I’d say roughly 8 months ago, I never made plans or anything like that though.

Another lie, fantastic there bud, lie to one of the only people in the world whose job it is to try and help you get better.

The visit led to me getting a prescription for Zoloft, the GP said he wanted me to keep trying SSRI’s even though the last one I took (about 4 years ago) didn’t do anything to me. He also suggested a local psychology clinic nearby and called in a referral for me, which I really hope I can get the balls to go up there and actually get further help.

I’ve decided to take the semester off from college despite only needing to complete 2 more semesters to graduate (which I am already taking longer than anticipated to do). I made my decision this past Tuesday when I was struggling to even get out of bed for my 11am class. I spent the whole day in bed. I made my appointment with the GP in bed and for all intents and purposes remained in that bed until it was time for my appointment the next day.

I’m hesitant to fully commit to the break now, even though I am so far behind from missing every day this week minus Monday. I am hesitant because I know my parents will be upset and try to talk me out of it. They want so desperately for one of their kids to have a 4-year degree and somehow all 3 of us have struggled to get to that point.

I need this break despite my constant rants in the past about how if I took a break I feared I would never go back.

I want to go back, and I want to graduate.

I also think I want to live, and to continue this semester would be to ignore my mental health and would quite honestly lead to my death, or at very least more self-harm.

I doubt anyone will read this and if they did and somehow managed to get this far, well I really don’t know why you did it but thanks I guess? I’m going to try to do this on a somewhat regular basis, which shouldn’t be so hard if I’m taking this semester off.






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