I forgot I had this. Well after re-reading my first post I am happy to say that after many months of trial and error I think I have found the right medications and combinations of them to help with my depression. My anxiety is still tbd. I am on Cymbalta and Wellbutrin for my depression and Buspirone for my anxiety.

I never thought I had much in common with my dad until now, we are on the exact same medications with roughly the exact same dosages. Weird huh, it took me finding out that we have similar brain chemistry to finally believe that he is my actual father instead of my cousin, who everyone used to say I looked just like.

My dad and I are getting along ok, it’s not like we have fights or anything no. We just are still kind of having to feel one another out. If that makes sense? He is really trying to stay sober and I think this weekend will mark 1 year of sobriety for him which is so fucking awesome I can’t even explain. I’m sure if anyone reads this they don’t really want me to explain it anyway, it’s probably something they can relate to or at very least its not that hard of a concept to understand.

Every now and then I still have some down days, “bad days” I call them. I get depressed and withdraw myself from friends and family. I stop cleaning up after myself, dishes pile up, dirty laundry is everywhere, I just do not have the energy or the discipline to do it, it doesn’t seem worth it.

I don’t even want to go into too much detail about this one but one of the best friends I have ever had and probably will ever have doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. He doesn’t trust me, and I get it mostly, but the severity of it will probably never really be reasoned to me. I’m trying to get over it and its tough we became co-dependent on one another basically for the last 6-8 years. I’ve not spoken to him, other than to text him happy birthday yesterday, in about a week which is a decently long time for me.

If this is just going to be a life lesson for me about speaking up and being 100% truthful all the time then well, it was one hell of a way to teach me that. I’ll manage, I’m not sure how but I think this is just part of growing up.

I can tell my Grandmother is getting sicker and sicker every time I see her. She is getting very weak and can no longer drive herself anywhere. I hate it for her, she is such a lively person who has enjoyed her long life more than I think I ever could. I find myself neglecting her a lot and I feel sick everytime I realize that’s what I am doing but I just don’t want to go visit her once a week, it doesn’t sound appealing to me. Maybe thats selfish and I’ll regret it when she’s gone but for right now I just don’t want to.

I found 2 new bands that I like last night; “The Appleseed Cast” and “Mineral”. they remind me a lot of older brand new or taking back sunday, and even at times “Godspeed You! Black Emperor”.

Hopefully I will convince myself to start writing on here more frequently than once every 8 months but we’ll see.

PS.  I am back in school this semester and though I had to drop one class it is going well. I am in 3 classes right now and so far things are ok school wise.

 

-AnyoneAnything

-Ryan

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