I planned to spend all of April 1st at the state park sitting in my eno reading bukowski novels on my kindel. I need to spend more time outside and I want to use my eno and get back into reading for fun and this seemed like a nice way to do all of the them together.

It didn’t go the way I planned. I woke up earlier than I imagined and from the start did not feel fully motivated. I ended up spending the first few hours playing ESO on my xbox, I wanted to take a break and watch a movie but instead I was drawn in by the idea of finally knowing the story of “13 Reasons Why” and holy fuck I had no idea I’d spend the next 13 hours literally doing nothing but watching netflix. I was withdrawn before I started watching and it gave me something of an escape from feeling so depressed and weird.

I enjoyed “13 Reasons Why”, but it almost seemed to glorify suicide or just make it seem like a viable option. The characters own up to themselves for the most part for what they did and how they knew it was wrong. They realized they were flawed human beings, but it still for some reason did not show me how final and painful suicide is for the people in your life. I will say, the suicide scene itself was incredibly real looking and brutal and graphic as fuck. But still for some reason I couldn’t help but think it made suicide seem like a beautiful and righteous reaction to bullying or depression.

The coincidence of it taking me 13 hours to watch the whole thing made me feel strange, and I realize that they probably did this on purpose.

I also felt like in the follow up documentary where writers, actors, and producers talk about the show and meanings. It pained me to hear them say that they hope that “young men and boys” will learn what consent is, almost as if some of us did not already realize from a very young age that both parties need to consent to something as serious as sex. If it helps and educates people that is fine but I just, idk, its just hard to hear something like that and not cringe and feel attacked a bit. I am the last person to defend anything like that, but it just, idk, maybe I need to just think about the bigger picture and think “well if they believe it will or could help then I’ll stand behind them”. Hopefully this is just some sort of immaturity of mine that I will come to be ashamed of in the future if I am still around.


It does do my heart good to see how much publicity that mental health and things like suicide have been getting recently. As someone who has been struggling with self-harm and suicidal thoughts over the past few years (at an accelerated rate within the last year) this gives me hope and well some sort of sense that I can really get help or help others.




Thanks for listening.




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